Mortality Blog

Apparently my dream-center wasn’t feeling like generating any new content last night - so it mashed up a bunch of old stuff.

I went to CMD, to either drop something off or pick something up, and noticed a big long table sitting outside, which people were beginning to set with food. I went in through the front doors of CMD, and although the decor and the people were the same, the layout was a lot more like another web agency (I forget what it was called) - there was no lobby or elevator, just a stairway going up to an overlooking second-floor, where all the people were currently in a meeting.

I snuck in like a cat, making no sound, only briefly knocking into something with my backpack - above me, someone (I think it was Jeremy) glanced down, noticed me, but grinned and nodded, and didn’t report me - he was on my side. After I did whatever I was there for (don’t remember what) I left. Outside, the parking lot was  like a weird combination of three places: the real CMD parking lot, the playground and field outside of Richmond Elementary (where I went to K-5th) and the Gorge Amphitheater - so a field, some pavement, a fence around the whole thing, except for an entire border made of a huge jagged canyon cliff.

For some reason I noticed that there were a bunch of fence peices in the dumpster - big red slats with points on top, nailed into two cross beams, with posts at either end. I was considering taking them for firewood, or maybe to give to my parents to use in their backyard, but I couldn’t seem to pull them out, and get them on my car. But I kept trying it - I suddenly realized it was dusk, and just starting to get dark.

Behind me, I heard a bunch of people shouting - I turned around, and saw fireworks going off, and a crowd of people gathered around the tables I’d seen earlier. I ran over, and found - ready for this? It was Harry Potter’s birthday party! None of his wizard friends were there - it was just him, a bunch of people more or less my age, and suddenly, I was there too. I don’t know if Harry knew who I was, or actually if he’d noticed that I was there, but I wasn’t told to leave or anything, so I just joined in, eating, talking to the random people around me, occasionally shouting “Happy Birthday” in chorus with my fellow party-goers.

Then, the party started to wrap up - the lights dimmed, people drifted away, and Harry sort of hooked up with a girl that was there - I was spying on them as he convinced her to let him give her a kiss, and I suspect they would’ve done more, except that it was a false ending to the party! The lights suddenly came back on, and dance music was pounding! Some skinny black guy in tight jeans and an open shirt bounded over, and pulled Harry into a little synchronized dance routine, which we all tried to copy. Yay! Dance Party!

… the end. (I had some other facet of this dream that involved an amusement park, which I think I’d dreamt about before, running around between the stalls, the rides, the tents and RVs where the staff lived while they were running it… but I barely remember it.)

Let’s think about what we’ve got here. CMD is where I used to work (and where I’ve been told I’m actually not allowed to b re-hired,) Richmond is my old elementary school, the Gorge Amphitheater in Washington is where I’ve gone for three years now to see the Sasquatch Music Festival. CMD is usually on my mind in some way or another, since I liked working there, and my two roommates (and lots of my friends) still work there. I’m not sure about Richmond, but last night I was looking at the list of acts I’d enjoyed at Sasquatch, so that’s where that’s from.

The big red fence slats that I wanted for my parents back yard were in fact the fence that used to be in their back yard - I remember it as a kid. It was rotting and falling apart. It got torn down, but my parents have been having trouble with the neighbors’ kids coming into their backyard and messing stuff up, so I wanted to put the fence back to stop that. Possibly the reason that I couldn’t get the fence to move is because I couldn’t when I was a kid either - it was too strong to break apart, and I know I played around with doing that back then.

I just had a birthday party, and I was just watching this thing about Harry Potter in a rap battle with Voldemort - see, there he is, and there’s the black guy, and there’s all the people who aren’t his wizard friends, but who like him nonetheless.

So it’s a bunch of random stuff that I had bouncing around in my head, and my brain was like, “I can make a cool remix out of this!” Iiiinteresting.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog - not since sasquatch. I blame my facebook account, which has surplanted myspace as my most commonly visited website. In fact, my myspace is gone now - all that remains is about 20 pages of blog entries that I saved out.

So as I sit here, listening to “Hefty Fine” by the Bloodhound Gang (for the first time) and wonder why it’s somehow worse than “Hooray For Boobies,” I thought I’d take a moment to catch up on where I’m at. I mean, 23 - my well-known traveling plans for my quarter-life-crises looms nearer, but to be realistic, I kind of want to be in a certain place by the time I reach my 25th birthday: specifically, graduated, making good progress on paying off student loans, but otherwise out of debt. I want a full-time job, and I want to quit it in order to travel, more or less. I want to throw my electronics in storage, fix up my car, buy a decent laptop, and freelance from the road. But for now, I’m 23, I’m in debt, I’ve still got plenty of school left, and my job situation is tenuous. Good at the moment - but only for the moment. Next month could be bad as easily as good - I’m at the mercy of my ‘industry contacts’ who are of course at the mercy of their clients, and the economy.

So it’s August 11th, so late Monday night that it’s technically Tuesday morning. I’ve been working on a website for a local construction corporation, which has been going well, despite a few delays. I’m still living in The HoytHouse, which is a good place to live, although we don’t really see a lot of Ryan these days - I’m glad I get along well with everyone, though, as it seems that several friends have bad roomate horror stories to tell.

This is shaping up to be a long rambling “taking notes for my memoir” blog entry.

Anyway, I’ve got to admit, I’ve been having some interesting issues with sitting down and getting stuff done. It’s the same old odd sort of procrastination/aversion that I’ve experienced ever since I was a kid. It doesn’t feel like an inability to concentrate. It’s almost like a lack of… will, maybe? Typically, I stay awake until 5 or 6, when it’s getting light outside, regardless of what I’m doing the next day. As a result, it’s really tough for me to wake up before, say, 2 PM. Even on nights when I try to get to bed earlier, I just toss and turn, or otherwise sleep unsoundly, wake up feeling tired, and go back to sleep until the afternoon anyway.

It’s a weird sort of nearly compulsive justification of procrastination, I guess. If I know I’ve got to be somewhere at 5PM, leaving early never occurs to me. Starting at 2, I’ll wake up, go to the bathroom, then lounge around in my room for several hours, sifting through new emails, new facebook stuff, new artiles and comics that I’m following online, and finally glance over at the clock. 4PM? I ought to get ready to leave - but I don’t. I do anything else other than that. Finally, at 4:45PM, I jump up, take a super quick shower, and leave, only to arrive half and hour late. This sort of thing happens A LOT.

Unfortunately, this has a sort of ‘crying wolf’ effect as well. For the first few minutes after I wake up, especially if I haven’t had enough (nearly 9 hours at this point) sleep, I am a complete zombie animal - I mean, sometimes I literally have no memory of what’s happened. There have been a few times where I can only assume that I’ve woken up to my alarm, flipped it off, and gone right back to sleep - and missed whatever I was trying to wake up early for. Similarily, when I wake up, it’s easy for me to think, “Ah, I’ll just lay here for another fifteen minutes.” What really happens is I go back to sleep until 2PM, right? After a while, I guess I get to be the guy who almost never shows up on time.

Like other things that’d be to my benefit to change about my life, I don’t seem to be able to find the motivation to do this differently.

Let’s say my life is a river. That’s a good metaphor. Earlier, I was waterskiing - and now, even after I’ve let go of the rope, and the boat has sped off, I’m still skimming over the water. But this momentum, wherever it came from (highschool? CMD?) is starting to get killed off by friction, and eventually, I’m going to start sinking, and when I do, I’m going to need to start swimming. What I’m debating is - where am I now? Should I be getting ready to start swimming, or am I already up to my shoulders underwater, and need to start doggy paddling right away?

There’s some sort of weird little priority list in my head that’s got some weird little priorities flipped around regarding the economy of my activities. School takes up a significant amount of my money - you ‘d think I’d pay more attention to it. And work makes me a significant amount of money - you’d think I’d pay more attention to it as well. But somehow lazing around, thinking about Magic Cards and the Internet, staying up late and sleeping in late have all gotten bumped to the top of the list. What does that say about me?

I’m suspicious that this is what I get for being so lucky - throughout my life, just about the time I’ve needed something, I’ve caught a break, and recieved it. Not all the time, not reliably, but enough that I’ve noticed it. I’ve wondered about what causes that - is it pure luck, or am I somehow subconciously putting myself into profitable situations - but I guess it might be worth thinking about the result as well. Am I spoiled? Do I think that I can just not make an effort, and things’ll work out anyway for me? Logically, of course, I don’t think that - that’d be stupid. But then again - why didn’t I go talk to my department director today about my classes in school, after planning to last week? There’s a post-it note right there on my monitor and everything - I literally bought a new pack of notes so I could write it. I spent all day doing nothing productive (until this evening) and glancing at the clock, thinking, “Oh, I don’t have to leave for another hour - another half-hour - another ten minutes - I can be a little late - I’m not going to make it - might as well not go.”

I kind of wish I was at least preocuppied by something constructive. I kind of wonder if I need something constructive to do as a hobby. I really wish I did as much music as I used to - how did I get out of the habit of doing that? It seems like now, whenever I sit down and grab my keyboard, everything sounds boring - nothing’s new, or interesting, and nothing’s worth pursuing. I have some good ideas, but never anything worth finishing.

So like I said - coasting, maybe sinking, need to start swimming soon. Well, if nothing else, writing all this out is a good way to organize my thoughts on the matter.

I also need to work on designing up my little group of blogs (mortalityblog.com, musicblog.mattlohkamp.com, and storyblog.mattlohkamp.com) - as well as adding another site for my music, now that myspace isn’t there to provide an easy host anymore. Should I go back to the old ANDR artist name, or find something new? Hmmm.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll try to remember to write more often.

In life, we commonly default to holding a certain opinion or view, prompted by a myriad of factors including the culture of all the groups with which we associate ourselves (our family, our neighborhood, our city, our country, our religion, our sexuality, et cetera) and these in turn inform our choice of actions. Without exposure to new concepts, some of which may contradict things we’ve come to assume are indisputable, we’re stuck with those default beliefs, often to our detriment. Social progress is fueled by new ideas, and personal wisdom likewise results from the process of critically examining new information and choosing to incorporate new elements into our existing world-view. What we eat is obviously as much a product of that process as anything else – but sometimes we have trouble giving honest consideration to the viability of anything less then ‘free omnivorism’, the practice of eating whatever you like. We’re familiar with and grudgingly accept the necessity of expanding or limiting your diet for health reasons, but we treat a doctor’s recommendation to avoid steak in order to guard against a heart attack differently from PETA’s recommendation to avoid leather because of the violence surrounding its creation.

The decision to exercise self control concerning what you eat, wear, and use is a difficult one to make, to the point that many people almost refuse to consider it at all – as though their omnivore status were sacred, unimpeachable, and that the thought of anything less then unabridged freedom of food (much less strict veganism) is actually threatening. When asked to justify your animal consumption, it’s easy to get defensive, easy to ridicule the petitioner later around the barbecue with your meat-eating buddies. In addition. Even if you were to declare that from this day forth never more would you touch anything made from an animal, the amount of research and diligence required to maintain this resolution would seem prohibitive. If it were easy to tell which items contained animal products and which were ‘clean’, it’s likely that the indignant ‘I’ll eat whatever I want!’ attitude would persist, despite the removal of the ‘research and diligence’ barrier. So what is it about the subject that gets us so worked up?

Brainstorming reasons that self-assured omnivores would reject a philosophy of less-inclusive dining doesn’t take much imagination: jealous stubbornness, knowing the ‘right’ thing to do but being unable to do it because it’d involve admitting that they’d been doing the ‘wrong’ thing prior; honest hedonism, accepting the reality of the impact of their decisions and choosing their own pleasure over the condition of the animals sacrificed to facilitate those pleasurable experiences; or maybe even a belief in man’s superiority over lower life-forms, possibly outlined through the popular beliefs of the previously-mentioned groups with which they associate themselves. All this, to justify a course of action which undeniably involves the planned creation and subsequent destruction of life, a situation which abstracted would only be found acceptable by sociopaths. Despite this, animal-rights activists face derision and dismissal, and despite their best efforts, only about 3 percent of adults in the United States (as of 2008) have ‘converted’, or chosen to become a vegetarian. On the one hand, it seems strange that such a friendly, environmentally responsible ethos would fail to catch on – on the other, the fact of its lack of general appeal suggests that the afore-mentioned attributes (stubbornness, hedonism, and superiority) are substantially more powerful motivators then ‘environmental responsibility’.

This determination to disregard alternate points of view ‘out of principle’ is not at all a mature one – and possibly sets a dangerous precedent. Once presented with an alternate point of view, critical-thinking individuals are given the choice to reconsider what has been up to this point a (possibly unconscious) acceptance of (default) cultural norms. When faced with our own reasoning for continuing the consumption of animal products, can we really justify our actions? Biologically speaking, we are perfectly capable of maintaining a comfortable existence in an environment untouched by the ‘use’ of animals. Therefore any benefits or drawbacks concerning consumer preferences in this area are in our own heads, and a matter of morality rather then survival. Defining the essential distinction between humans and animals is a tricky task; Life itself is variously defined, somewhat akin to Justice Potter Stewart’s well-known statement of defiance: “I know it when I see it.” Debate over birth control, abortion, capital punishment, and even riot-control or military operations is an indicator of the wide range of opinions people hold on the subject, and it follows that the debate concerning ‘animal rights’ would be just as complex. Inasmuch as everyone would likely agree that animals are ‘alive’, it would be impossible to get them to consense on the definitive ‘rights’ that living bestows.

Once you’ve decided what constitutes a ‘protected’ form of life, there are a couple of common outlooks to explore: An ‘anti-capitalist’ view encourages safe, fair raising and slaughtering of ‘crop’ animals, and seeks to punish companies that ‘torture’ or use ‘creative marketing’ to sell products that are not what they seem; While ‘animal-lovers’ are opposed to the practice of causing harm to animals in general, and lobby for the complete cessation of ‘animal abuse’. Some people have trouble avoiding getting caught up in ‘what it means’ to be a member of whichever group they share an ethos with, and it’s important to keep in mind that your own personal decision to restrict your animal product consumption is distinct from the activism you choose to engage in – that is, whether you ‘preach what your practice’. The reluctance to participate in activities stereotypically associated with a more strict policy on using animals is another stumbling block that potential ‘converts’ encounter, as the decision to accept an ‘identity’ that is casually ridiculed in your culture is a difficult one.

Ultimately, regardless of how you settle on your views concerning the commodification and subsequent consumption of animals, it’s important to remember that in the grand scheme of things, the marketplace decisions of the average person impact the world on roughly the same scale as voting in a national election – it’s a very small drop in a very big bucket, and yet ironically it’s important (and socially responsible) to act as though it did matter. If your goal for changing the way you consume is merely to satisfy your own moral qualms, then you have a responsibility only to yourself to stay ‘on the wagon’, but if your goal involves a fundamental change in the way that the meat industry operates then you’ve got a responsibility to be an activist, and spread your view to others. Alone, your vote counts for little – in a group, you’re at least a little more effective, and as the number of people you’ve convinced to join you in your protest of the cultural acceptability of animal product consumption grows, so does your power to change things.

Whether you decide to limit your animal product usage or not, whether you decide to become an activist or not, it’s important to make an informed, purposeful decision regarding your feelings on the subject, as with any subject. Everyone has a culturally ‘default’ preference concerning animal consumption, but as a mature individual you have a responsibility to ultimately make your own decisions regarding your actions, and to remain open when others share their own views with you.

Works Cited:

Jasper, James. The Art of Moral Protest: Culture, Biography,

and Creativity in Social Movements. University of Chicago Press, 1999.

“How Many People Order Vegetarian Meals When Eating Out?” <http://www.vrg.org/journal/vj2008issue3/restaurantpoll.pdf>

The Vegetarian Times “Vegetarianism in America” 2008

Justice Potter Stewart, concurring opinion in Jacobellis v. Ohio 378 U.S. 184 (1964)

10:38 PM 3/20/03

Me, now.

War on terrorism, war on Iraq. Yesterday war was officialy declared on the country of Iraq. George Bush decided that we had to go in and take over the country. Here’s some reasons that he did it…

-Weapons. He claims that the Iraqi governent/military has weapons of ‘mass destruction’, possibly chemical or biological weapons. Which dosn’t seem too horrible, ’cause it’s not like _we_ don’t have any weapons like that… in fact, we’ve probably got way better stuff then they do anyway, so… and anyway, if they ever tried to _use_ the weapons, they would die. It’s a fact. The retaliation would be instant, and deadly. They wouldn’t survive. I would hate that.

-Oppression. I think the whole war propoganda thing has made a mistake in not promoting the ‘freeing Iraq’s oppressed people’ angle. I would be more inclined to go to war over human rights violations, oppression, or persecution then over weapons or trade policies.

-Oil. Let’s face it, there’s a whole bunch of oil in the middle east, and we’re a nation that consumes more oil then could ever be good for us. Other countries have oil trade going on with Iraq, and those countries, consequently, arn’t supporting our dumb little war. France, for instance. Everyone’s getting mad at France.

More on that subject. War makes people a little crazy. Sean said something wise and worth remembering today, something that I agree with. “It’s not the war that I’m scared of, it’s the way people act while we’re at war.” Stupid, childish stuff, like renaming french fries and french toast to freedom fries and freedom toast. Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. The French are doing the right thing by distancing themselves from this conflict… it’s really just _our_ war, no the rest of the world’s. We’ve already got Great Britain aiding us with troops. We can’t just have everybody ganging up on Iraq…

So, it started out with some missiles being launched. Apparently, they thought they knew where Saddam Hussien was, and tried to take out the target of opportunity. Did it work? That’s a problem. Saddam has given several tv speeches since that bombing run, but it could be a look alike, or a pre-recorded message made for this purpose. Now, since then, there’s been several bombing runs by aircraft and Marines begining to invade. At several points they’ve been hindered by Iraqi retaliation, but it seems like most of the soldiers are just simply waiting to see our army so that they can surrender. British artillery is helping to cover the Marine ground troups on their way into Iraq. They’re moving towards Bahgdad.

While I certainly don’t support the war, now that it’s started, I can’t not be supportive of those fighting it. Now that they’re in the thick of it, or thin at this point, I guess, I really hope that we win. I hope that it’s over quickly, and there’s a bare minimum of casualties for both sides, military and civilian. Saddam certainly dosn’t deserve to die… just to be removed from power and from any influence he might have. Maybe put him in Alcatraz. I don’t know. Death isn’t a good thing, for any reason.

Well, the days are marching on. Spring break starts in two to four days, depending on how you count it… on saturday I’m going to a creative arts imposium with uncle steve, put on by the Portland Art Institute, where I’m thinking of attending college. I hope I get to. I really want to go to a good college for something I like to do and have fun getting my degree for whatever. Then, go on to get a job that I’ll be happy with. Make enough money to support myself, buy a cool house, get stuff, eat stuff, make stuff, sell music and a book, retire, and then just relax. Do what ever I want, and be able to because the working part of my life is over. Eventually, I’ll die.

…

That’s the thing I’m most scared about. Dying.

I can’t really even think about it too hard… it just scares me. I get all hung up on it, go over and over things in my head, keep thinking and thinking to that one moment where everything stops, and how it’s all temporary ’cause it’ll all end, and you don’t know when…

Death. Yuk. I hate it. Why would you die? It’s the whole law of nature thing. Of course, there’s stuff after death. My beliefs tell me that.

Heaven. Hell. One or the other, after you die. Sure, I belive that, but how does it work? Does your consiousness transfer to a different plane of existence? Are you still aware, able to think? Do you just get stuck in memories without any external input? I think that, at they end, when everyone’s being judged and thrown into Hell for eternity, I’m going to ask God to spare them. All of them. It’ll be over, he’ll have won. No point in damning all those people, they realize that you’re the winner. You’re the most powerfull. The creator. After death, everyone will realize what’s gonig on. Everyone will pay, or will be payed, for the things they did in life.

I could use assurance, I suppose, that everything’s going to be okay. Everything’s going to turn out alright. The war, I dont’ care about too much, it dosn’t directly effect me, at least not yet, not as far as I can tell. However, death does. God, I hope that no one dies. I won’t…

I was going to type that I won’t be able to take it, but I know I will. It’ll just be so hard… so weird… I hate thinking about this. No one should leave me.

Do you know how lucky you are, Matt? You’ve got a decent body, pretty good friends, a good school, top-notch parents who encourage and are good to you, live in a cool city, in a cool country, have enough money to be able to have fun mostly whenever you want to… You’ve got a lap top, a keyboard, a dreamcast… you’re taking two periods of computer classes with Mr. Farris. Matt, you’re having a great life. Don’t hesitate to take advantage of it.

11:05 PM 3/20/03